Love is Pain
by Cats070911
Summary: Tommy torments himself about his relationship with Barbara and in confronting her threatens to ruin their relationship for good.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** As always I have borrowed Barbara and Tommy from Elizabeth George and the BBC.

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"You should start thinking about remarrying Sir."

Detective Inspector Thomas Lynley stared at his Sergeant, Barbara Havers, wondering what he had said that would have prompted such a statement. What had started as the usual quick bite and a few drinks after work at the local pub had developed into a long sentimental evening talking about a lot of their old cases. Neither of them were exactly sober but nor were they drunk. Over the last few months they had been almost inseparable. They were comfortable and so Tommy thought her question was very strange. "Why?"

"Well it's been over a year since Helen died and you're not getting any younger and the Asherton dynasty needs an heir. I think it is time you started to think about it, is all."

"I am not part of a 'dynasty' Havers," he admonished. _Bloody woman and her class war!_

"No? Well what do you call it then?"

"I think it might be time we call it a night." Tommy had no interest in arguing with Barbara. She would never accept that his wealth and title and upbringing were part of him but by no means the biggest part of him.

"No, sorry Sir, don't leave yet," she said contritely, "I wasn't trying to be offensive, really. But you _are_ Lord Asherton and the family does expect an heir."

"The family has an heir. If I die the title and estate goes to Peter and then his sons and if he fails to have any sons then it reverts to Judith's son. So I am not about to marry just to breed like some prize bull! Anyway what brought this up?" Tommy had enjoyed the evening and was irritated by the way the conversation was heading. It was fortunate that they were at a table by the window, well away from most of the other patrons.

"I just think it is time for you to start living a bit more instead of spending most nights eating dinner in a cheap pub with me."

"What's wrong with the pub?" Tommy retorted, "It has good beer and whiskey, you like the chips because they are not soggy and eating together is a lot better than eating alone."

"That's my point," she argued, "you shouldn't be alone. You should be finding someone you can go home to each night, someone you love, someone you can talk to, someone who can give you a family and a future."

"That's very poetic Barbara but my success rate with relationships is not exactly stellar and most women I meet can't see beyond the title and the money. I don't want a trophy wife. I've been through too much to settle for that type of empty existence."

"I never thought I'd say this but not all of your lot are empty-headed fools in search of a title. Look at Helen and Deborah, they weren't like that."

"And neither of them wanted me."

"Helen did."

"Did she?"

"Of course she did! She came back to you didn't she? You were happy remember."

"I was happy she came back because I didn't feel such a failure; and yes, I suppose we were happy in a way. But would it have lasted? I don't really think it would have Barbara." Tommy took another swig of his beer and then examined the glass in immense detail. "I think Helen wanted children and it was much easier to come back to me than find someone else. I worry that we would have drifted into a marriage of convenience and I would have ended up like so many others I know, working impossibly long hours or escaping each evening to the gentleman's club or having an affair. I would have hated myself if that happened. There was always something missing but I could never figure out what until after she died."

Barbara waited for him to continue but when the silence became awkward she asked softly, "What was missing?"

"We weren't really in love with each other. We were friends trying to be lovers. I was jealous of her and Rhys and I thought that meant I wanted her. I really wanted what she had, a relationship. But we didn't make each other whole. I could never really give myself fully to her and she knew it and somewhere along the way because we couldn't face up to that, we lost being friends as well. It's hard to explain." Tommy drained his glass.

"But I saw you; you were devastated after she died. You disappeared into yourself so far I thought we had lost you too."

"I certainly felt sorry for myself but mainly from guilt because I _couldn't_ feel what I should have felt. I had never felt what I was supposed to feel. I had already used work as an excuse not to be around before the baby and that would have happened again. I was trying so hard when she came back to feel it and sometimes I thought I did but in reality I knew I didn't. I was mourning the loss of my best friend and not my wife." Tommy looked at Barbara and saw the pain in her eyes when he called Helen his best friend. _Well she was my best friend for many years but what exactly does that make you? _The thought troubled Tommy. He had no ready way to classify Barbara. She was his partner at work and his friend, his only real friend. She was the one he always relied on and turned to and could count on to be there no matter what. She challenged him; annoyed him; supported him; argued with him; and defended him but he doubted he could face life if she was not there. Theirs was an unfathomable and complex relationship.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Don't be, it wasn't your fault. Anyway I think it is about time we went home. I'd offer to drive you but I think we might have had a bit too much. We had better take cabs tonight."

"One more for the road?" Barbara asked.

Tommy sensed Barbara wanted to end the night on a more positive note. "If you are buying."

Barbara returned with two more pints and they drank the first few sips in silence before he said, ""I _am_ happy though Barbara. I'm not hiding here. I actually like working with you or drinking with you because I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. I can be grumpy, morose, excited or whatever mood I am in for the day and you do and say whatever is appropriate to keep me grounded. It works Barbara. Well it works for me anyway. It stops me being lonely. I don't need anything else."

Barbara looked at him and smiled but as he spoke Tommy realised that everything he had said was all about his needs. He had not even considered that Barbara might only be here because she felt it was her responsibility to look after him. "But what about you Barbara; am I stopping you from doing things you want to do? I want you to be happy too and I don't want your feeling sorry for me stopping you from being happy."

"I don't feel sorry for you and I wouldn't be here if I didn't want to be. My life is not exactly brimming over with friends and social activities is it? Like you said it is much better than eating alone. But think about it Sir; what I said."

"I will but only if you promise not to keep selling yourself short. Underneath that façade of yours you are a lovely person who deserves happiness too." Barbara looked embarrassed and Tommy had to resist his urge to hug her.

They finished their pints and Tommy gave Barbara the first cab. He watched it drive away and felt instantly desolate. Restless and still disturbed by their conversation he decided to walk the couple of miles to his house. She had an unnerving habit of making him so comfortable he told her things he didn't even tell himself! He knew Barbara was probably right. He was lonely but his work filled the space. He liked the challenge and being instrumental in making the world more just. He liked the people in his team and the sense of camaraderie. He was trying hard to convince himself it was the whole team of the Met that made his job worthwhile but his thoughts kept coming back to Barbara. He would probably hate the job now if she was not there. It was their teamwork and the way they bounced ideas off each other and solved problems together that made work enjoyable. It was his relationship with Barbara that was central to his stability. It gave him purpose. She made him feel whole.

Hours later as sleep eluded him Tommy was still thinking about Barbara. The realisation that she made him feel whole troubled him. That was exactly what he had told her Helen had never done. The same question kept going around and around in his head. A_m I in love with Barbara?_ He thought of all the reasons why he could not possibly be in love with her but not once did their class difference figure in his thoughts. He could admit he loved her but as he knew from his marriage that was not enough. _Do I love her like I love Judith? Like a sister?_ _Yes that must be it! I feel like she is family. _He did feel that she was family but recognised that he did not need his sister every day the same way he needed Barbara. He did not notice his sister's physique the same way he noticed Barbara's, especially since she had started dressing to accentuate her femininity rather than hide it.

His thoughts had strayed that way before over the years but Tommy had always cut them off telling himself it was not professional to think of his partner or his friend that way and that he was just lonely. Now as he was alone in his bed Tommy explored his feelings and found that thinking about Barbara aroused him. He did not know whether to feel embarrassed, excited or ashamed. He tossed and turned trying to get the images and desires out of his head but the harder he tried the more real they became to him.

By two o'clock he could stand it no longer and took a long shower to clear his head. He had known for a very long time that he loved Barbara but now that he could admit he also desired her did that mean he was in love with her? His feelings for her were very different to those he had had for Deborah, his first love, but she had found him too clinging and unrealistic and had accused him of being in love with love and not with her. He had been obsessed by her and thoughts of her had filled his every waking hour. He had not felt the same heady passion for Helen and his thoughts had not revolved around her. His bond with Barbara was far stronger and he knew his whole existence was built around her. He did not have to prove his love and try to win her as he had with Deborah. Barbara would always be there and unlike Helen expect no more than he was capable of giving. There were many things she had done, looks she had given and words she had spoken that could be read either way. _I know she loves me as a friend but is she in love with me? _

He knew he was mad but he had to know. With his car at the station Tommy called a cab.

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It took several knocks before Barbara answered the door. "Sir! What time is it?"

"About three o'clock Barbara. I'm sorry to have to wake you."

"Nah, it's okay. Come in." She stepped back and allowed him to enter her flat. "I must have been dead to the world and didn't hear the phone go off. It will only take me five minutes to change. Where's the crime scene?"

"What crime scene?" Tommy was genuinely puzzled.

"The crime scene for the crime that has brought you over here at this hour!"

Tommy understood now; Barbara thought he was here for work. "Er no sorry Barbara; there is no crime scene, I just had to talk to you."

She stopped rubbing her eyes with her hands and stared at him. "About something so important that it couldn't wait for another three or four hours?"

"Yes."

Barbara sighed and shook her head seemingly in resignation that she was unlikely to get any more sleep. "Well sit down then," she said "do you prefer coffee, tea or whiskey?"

"The great British tradition eh? Always have a beverage in hand if you are going to talk about something serious."

"Look Sir, you arrive here in the middle of the night to talk." For the last word she raised her hands and used her fingers to gesture inverted commas. "I am trying to be polite but you are not making it easy for me to be hospitable."

"I know; I'm sorry. A whiskey would be nice."

Barbara pulled a bottle from her cupboard and poured him a drink. "Well?" she asked as she handed it to him then filled a glass of water from the tap, "What do you want to talk about?"

Tommy watched her carefully as she sat on the sofa. He sat in the chair opposite to face her. He could see she was not overly angry with him for waking her and she was trying hard to appear unconcerned but he knew that look, and could tell Barbara was worried about him. "I'm okay," he said trying to reassure her, "I just needed to know what you think about me."

"You what?" Barbara stared uncomprehendingly at him. "At the moment Sir I think you are certifiably insane but I presume this conversation has a point, somewhere."

"Why do you stick by me?"

Barbara took her time to answer and appeared to be scrutinising him to understand what lay behind his question. "Like we said earlier tonight we have been partners a long time and have been through a lot together. Both of us are stubborn and opinionated and not easy people for others to handle but it works for us, somehow. I couldn't imagine working for another DI now."

"Do you love me?" The question surprised even Tommy and he wondered how to change tack before she exploded.

"What sort of question is that?" Barbara was shocked but calm.

"An honest one and one I need to know the answer to?"

Barbara sighed and stared into Tommy's eyes. He felt as if she was examining his soul. Her tone was unnervingly even but reluctant as she answered, "You talked tonight about loving Helen as a friend. You are my closest friend, the best friend I have ever had, probably the only friend I have ever had, so yes, I do love you but you've known that for years. And I don't think I'm wrong in assuming you feel the same way, am I?"

Tommy shook his head. "No, you are not wrong."

"So why are you here questioning it at three in the morning?"

"Because you talked about me remarrying."

"Yeah, I think you should, but why would that make you question how I feel about you?"

"Because you want me to find someone else." His voice was soft and hollow.

"I want you to find someone so you can be happy. It's not an 'else' thing, we will still be partners. Same as with Helen, it didn't change our relationship."

"No it didn't and I think that's the problem."

Barbara was confused and tucked her bottom lip under her front teeth in contemplation. "I don't follow Sir." Tommy did not answer her and Barbara's face went white. When she spoke her voice was full of sadness. "You blame me for Helen don't you?"

"No! Why would I blame you?"

"You think I pushed you into it. All those conversations we had when you were trying to work out what was happening between you; you think I convinced you it was love."

"I didn't know what love was Barbara. You were being my friend; my long-suffering, ever-loyal friend. What I really wondered was if you might be in love with me?" Tommy had said it in a way that he thought sounded hopeful, indicating that he wanted her to feel that way.

He could see the tears welling in her eyes and she was starting to shake. "I think you should leave."

"No, I won't leave," Tommy replied, panicked. He had not expected her to look so vulnerable. "Not until you understand that I'm sorry and did not mean any offence."

"How could you not mean any offence?" She stood and walked back towards her kitchen.

Her calmness frightened Tommy. He would be able to cope much better if she just started yelling at him. He was distraught by how much he had hurt her. He knew beyond doubt that he was in love with her and he had just assumed that her feelings were identical. He worried that he had misread her and that her feelings were only the love of friendship. He was her dearest friend and by assuming her feelings were romantic he worried that in her eyes he had cheapened what they shared. He stood and tried to embrace her but even through the tears her eyes seared into him and he stepped away. "Because I was hoping you were in love with me as much as I am in love with you!"

"And when did you decide you were in love with me?" she demanded coldly.

"Tonight."

"You don't suddenly decide you are in love with someone Sir, it creeps up on you and overwhelms you. It is not something you sit down and think about." She sounded angry now.

Tommy was now annoyed that she had dismissed his feelings so quickly. "And you know this how? From your experiences with the dating service?"

"Leave, before you do any more damage." Barbara turned away from him and he knew she was trying hard not to cry. His words had been cruel and he did not know why he had suddenly wanted to hurt her. She was talking about her own experience and he knew from the way she had said it she was referring to him. He wanted her to understand it was real for him too.

"Barbara, I'm sorry. That was hurtful and unnecessary."

She did not turn. "Just go Sir," she roared.

"No!" Tommy shouted back before saying more calmly, "You are right. It does sneak up on you and overtake you but I was so blindly chasing the ideal I thought love should be that I completely missed the real thing. Just because I am stupid does not mean I don't you love or that we don't deserve to be happy now."

"You won't find happiness with me." Her voice was hoarse and shaky. "I am not in love with you."

"Aren't you?"

"No. Now leave…please."

She still was not facing him and Tommy did not believe her. "Look me in the eye and tell me that."

Barbara spun around savagely and locked eyes with him. Tears stained her flushed face and her look of pain would haunt Tommy forever. "I am not in love with you Sir. We were never destined to be lovers. Just go home and forget about tonight and hopefully in a few days everything will be normal again. I want it to be normal, I really do."

Tommy went to speak but no words came. Barbara's eyes told him that she was telling him the truth and he felt foolish. "I'm so sorry Barbara. I have been a fool. Please forgive me." He turned and walked to the door. He paused hoping she would call him back but she said nothing so he let himself out without looking back. Nothing in his past matched the pain he felt now. He intended to send his resignation to Hillier and then get drunk; very, very drunk.

With the click of the door latching closed Barbara sagged to the floor against her kitchen bench and allowed the tears to flow. "Oh Tommy…Tommy."


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note:** There was always more to this story, and still more to come. Thanks for the reviews - I like to receive feedback about whether I am achieving the right affect.

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Barbara sat huddled against the kitchen bench until the sun rose. She had no conscious thought just a numbness that inhabited every cell. All she could see was the pain on Tommy's face when she had told him she was not in love with him. She stood slowly and went to shower. As the warm water streamed over her face it mixed with the saltiness of her dried tears. She dreaded facing him at work but she had no choice.

He was easy to fool at times; her eyes reflected what she thought, not what she said. All she had had to do was to add a 'not' into her sentence. He had trusted her to tell him the truth and no matter what she said in future he would always believe what she had said tonight. It had been the right thing to do but she knew she had lost him. If dying now had been an option she would have gladly taken it for without Tommy she had nothing, was nothing. _If only I had kept my trap shut about him remarrying!_

She stopped by the supermarket on her way to work to buy supplies. She would camouflage her red nose and eyes under the guise of the flu. Armed with a box of tissues, some throat lozenges, a nasal spray and some painkillers she walked past Winston and collapsed into her chair aware that everyone was staring at her. "Morning. I've got some sort of bug so don't get too close." Her voice sounded raw which she thought was convincing.

Winston Nkata was a faithful friend and brought her some coffee and a warning, "Hillier's in a rage this morning. Something about the DI. Any idea what's happened?"

Barbara swallowed four paracetamol with the coffee hoping it might ease the throb in her temples. "No, none." Fear gripped her. _I hope he hasn't done anything stupid._

Hillier must have had a spy and within a minute of her arriving she had received a summons to his office. "Enter," he boomed when she knocked of his door.

"You wanted to see me Sir."

"Yes Sergeant Havers I did." He looked up and saw her appearance. "Are you unwell?"

"Flu Sir."

"Does DI Lynley have the flu as well?"

"Er, no idea Sir. I haven't seen him as yet. I was a bit late Sir. I stopped to get some medication." She had seen his car in the car park and assumed he was in his office but now she remembered he had left it there last night.

"So you don't know then?"

Barbara was becoming increasingly worried. "No Sir, what's wrong?" she asked impatiently.

"DI Lynley sent me his resignation to me by email at four fifteen this morning." Hillier waited to see her response. Barbara recognized his scrutiny and kept her face as expressionless as she could.

"Did he say why Sir?"

"In a way. Let me read it to you. _I, Detective Inspector Thomas Lynley, hereby resign my commission from the Metropolitan Police Service with immediate effect. I apologize for not being able to work out my notice period but I received news of a personal nature tonight that has rendered me unable to meet my commitment or serve under the oath I took. _

"_It has been an honour and a privilege to work for the Metropolitan Police and to serve under you. Whilst we have not always seen eye to eye I have enormous respect for you as a police officer and mentor." _Hillier actually snorted and Barbara wanted to punch him.

"_I would appreciate if, at an appropriate time, you could tell Detective Sergeant Havers that I am sorry to have let her down. She is the finest and mostly morally courageous officer I have worked with and has the best instincts of any detective I know. I trust Sir that you will provide her with every opportunity to further her career. I feel that the last few years working with me has actually hampered her career and I would encourage her to complete her exams with a view to the promotion she richly deserves. _

"_Please arrange to have my personal effects forwarded to my mother at Howenstowe. Once again my apologies and my thanks._ Well Havers, what do you think?"

Barbara was staring at him. _He actually resigned! Why forward his effects to his mother?_ "I'm shocked Sir."

"You had no idea? He never mentioned anything? Did you see him last night? I thought that might have been why you have been crying."

"I did see him last night. He mentioned it in passing Sir but I did not think he meant it. And I have the flu Sir."

"Whatever. Do you know what his news was? Is he seriously ill?"

"Not that I know of Sir but..."

"Spit it out Havers."

"Don't you think it is odd that he wants his effects sent to his mother?"

"You think this is a suicide note?"

"No Sir," she answered quickly, "I don't think so but I would like to send DC Nkata over to check he is okay."

Hillier looked at her suspiciously. "I would have thought you would go, seeing you are his partner. Take Nkata if you want to. Let me know what happens. I wrote back to him giving him a week's leave to sort out his issues. Are you working on anything major?"

"Thanks Sir. No, I can re-assign most things to the rest of the team. I don't think I'll come back though once I have checked on the DI. I might take today as sick leave."

"Good idea, but only after you find him and can tell me what is going on. Much and all as you have both given me grief over the years you two are still a formidable detective team and I would prefer him to come back to work. Keep me informed Havers."

Barbara took a few minutes in the Ladies to wash her face and pull her thoughts together. She did not feel ready to face Tommy yet but knew she had to find the strength. Despite what she had said to Hillier this was something she had to face alone.

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The curtains were drawn in all the windows and Tommy did not respond to her to her knocking. She had already tried his phone but it went straight through to voicemail. She had left a message but held little hope he would return her call. She hated to do it but Tommy had given her a key when he had returned to work after the Julia Oborne case so she let herself into his house. With the curtains drawn the light was muted but she instantly knew he was not here. She quickly searched all the main rooms but found no clues as to where he had gone. In the kitchen she came across his mobile phone, switched off and lifeless lying next to his laptop. Propped against them was an envelope labelled "Barbara". Her hands trembled as she opened it unsure what it would reveal.

_My Dearest Barbara,_

_I knew you would use the key and find this note before anyone else got involved._

_I do not have the words to convince you how sorry I am about my behaviour this morning. As I normally do, I got so carried away with my own feelings that I neglected to consider the impact on you at a time when you should have been my whole focus. Understanding my feelings had brought me a joy and peace and hope for the future beyond any of my other foolish infatuations but I was wrong to assume that it would be mutual. Even if it had been, I was boorish and clumsy; hardly the behaviour you would have expected from 'my lot'._

_I will carry the pain in your eyes as my burden. Believe me when I say that I did not intend to devalue our friendship, something that means more to me than life itself. You are right to say that you cannot decide to be in love but there can be a point in time when you recognise what the assorted emotions and thoughts that have rumbled through your head actually mean. For me that point was last night. Your suggestion about me remarrying made me question why I had no interest in anyone but you. It was as if I looked back through a prism where all the colours of my feelings coalesced into a pure white light and I suddenly knew my love for you was absolute. _

_My most heartfelt wish as I write this was that I could have found the right words to touch your soul. Oh that you had been in love with me, then this morning would be ending so differently. I fear I pressed too hard but alas any words would have been in vain if you truly do not love me. There was an ephemeral flicker that passed your eyes that gives me the very faintest hope that were I to pry away the layers of armour around your heart I would find it beats for me. Even though I fear it can never be, a small part of me hopes still that if you look in your prism you would also see light and know where to find me._

_But whatever happens do not blame yourself; it is my failings that have brought us here. You have given me more than I could ever have asked for in a friend and colleague and I want you to remember me as I was with you all those years and not as the fool I proved to be._

_Forever yours as you need me to be,_

_Tommy_

If she had never understood before how infinitesimal the line between pleasure and pain was, then reading this letter made it clear to her. Barbara re-read the letter trying to fathom its true meaning. _Why can't he write in plain bloody English instead of some semi-poetic Oxfordese!_ She should show this to Hillier but she knew she never would, regardless of what happened. She understood too that Tommy was relying on her not to share it. The intent was clear enough. Tommy was setting her a challenge to find him. She could only solve it if she was in love with him, and if she was not and she could not find him in time then most certainly he would disappear forever. She did not want to think he might kill himself but she knew he was capable.

"This is ridiculous!" she shouted to the room, "You have no right to do this to me. Of course I am in love with you!" She stopped and looked around half hoping that he would spring from hiding. Nothing happened and the silence became oppressive.

Her only hope was to try and think this through logically. Tommy was counting on two things – her detective skills and her knowledge of him. There was no point in searching hospital admissions or international checkpoints. He was still alive waiting for her somewhere only she could work out but somewhere accessible. She had no idea what he considered a reasonable time but thought in his current state of mind two to three days would be all he would wait. Even though she must know the answer already there were things she could do. If he wanted her to play detective she should start doing all the things they would normally do. She rang Winston.

"Barbara, did you find the DI?"

"No." Barbara debated whether to tell Winston about the letter but decided against it. "I think he is safe for the moment though. Does it sound silly to say I think he has set me a challenge to find him?"

"Nothing would surprise me with the DI sometimes but if anyone can find him you can. You know him better than he knows himself. The question is does he know you well enough to stay hidden?"

"I'm about to head back to the office. Can you do the customary checks please with hospitals and airports? Any chance you can dig up the CCTV footage from here from about four o'clock onwards? I would like to see what he was wearing when he left; whether he caught a cab or walked etcetera. You know the sort of thing. Also if you can, do a bank check. Has he used his credit cards today?"

"Okay I'm onto it. See you soon."

Barbara turned on his phone and was surprised to see it was fully powered as he was notoriously bad at keeping it charged. She had seen his swipe pattern often enough to be able to open it. _He wanted me to find this._ There were several voicemails and she listened to them all. The only one that was puzzling was from his mother who it seemed had received an email at an ungodly hour. Barbara

took a deep breath and phoned his mother.

"Oh Tommy thank God you are alright. I was so worried after your email."

Barbara interrupted her, "I'm sorry Lady Asherton it is Havers here, Barbara Havers."

"Oh my God, what's he done? Is he alright?"

"I don't know Lady Asherton. He was disappeared. He sent in a letter of resignation about four a.m. and is not at his house. We currently do not know his whereabouts."

"His whereabouts. He's my son Barbara and your partner and you talk about him so coldly as if he is any missing person. He's been spurned. He doesn't handle love or rejection very well."

Barbara's stomach fell. _How much does she know?_ "I'm sorry. I am just trying to understand where he might be. I listened to his voicemail and understand he sent you a message. Can I ask what it said?"

"It just said 'Sorry Mother, please forgive me. It came too late for me but I understand now the colours of love. You were right all those years ago; it is not black or white. Love Tommy." Dorothy Lynley started to weep.

Barbara found it hard to stay detached. She wanted to comfort his mother in some way. "I understand Lady Asherton. I will do everything I can to find him, I promise you."

"I know you will find him. You're the only one he will let find him." Lady Asherton rang off leaving Barbara to ponder exactly what she had meant. _Why can't that lot just say what they mean!_

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Back at the station Barbara started to focus on what she knew about him that would lead her to him. She used a whiteboard to map all the main locations of his life and added all his old addresses and key points to the list and slowly eliminated them. Howenstowe was out – it was too far and his mother was there and yet he had sent her a goodbye message. For that reason Nanrunnel was also out but Cornwall generally offered plenty of memories and potential hiding places. Eton was unlikely as was Oxford because they were places she would feel alienated and not welcomed. Where ever he was it was somewhere she had been with him. She struck the schools from the list and now put a larger question mark against Cornwall. She started to add the locations from all their cases. Most were around London but many were from around the country. There first case had been in Yorkshire but he hated it there because of his earlier time with Nies. She crossed it from the list. Within an hour she had narrowed the list to less than a dozen locations but she had no idea whether or not she was on the right track.

"Barbara, I have some info," Winston said sticking his head in the door.

"Come in. What did you find?"

"He bought six flasks of single malt scotch from an all-night off licence at about five o'clock then withdrew a thousand pounds from an ATM outside London Victoria Station near his house about twenty minutes later but nothing since then. It appears he then got into a cab. We are trying to trace it but it will take a while."

"Have you pulled the CCTV footage? Do we know what he was wearing?"

"Yes but nothing yet."

"Thanks Winston. Do we know if he went into the station at any point?"

"No but he uses that ATM a lot according to his records so I think it is just convenience."

"See what you can come up with. I am going to head out and check a few places. I should be back in a couple of hours."

"Sure. Your cold seems to be clearing up."

"Drugs Winston. Thank Mr Boots."

Barbara coughed and blew her nose for effect then raced from the office. She decided to check her flat just in case but when he was not there she tried the hill where he often went to think. She had found him there after Helen's funeral. Beside the seat there was an empty scotch bottle, his brand, and she wondered if he was leaving her a trail. She looked around carefully in case he was watching her then bagged the bottle as evidence. She would keep it for now but if she needed to she could have it checked for his DNA. This was feeling more and more like a test which both irritated her and intrigued her. It certainly made her more determined to find him.

On instinct she drove to his house. Inside she expected to find nothing but in the kitchen she was shocked to see his phone was gone although his laptop was still there. In place of the phone was another empty scotch flask. "You bastard. You came back to check!"

She returned to the office an hour later after checking some other locations without success. She marked up her list and the hill received a green tick. She was sure she was on the right track. He was leading her somewhere that had meaning for them both. She just wished she could guess where. Despite the bottles being empty she had no idea if he was sober or not. She suspected he was drinking heavily but he could just as easily have poured it out. _Damn you Tommy where are you? _She was becoming frustrated and knew that would cloud her thoughts when Winston came in. It was the relief she needed."Any more leads from the CCTV Winston?"

"Nah. He had on a coat and shirt at the ATM but he could blend with a hundred other punters on the streets. We don't have the resources to find him and we would need a warrant to get specialised help."

"Okay thanks Winston. Where do trains from Victoria go?"

"The South Coast mainly I think. Do you think he caught a train?"

"I'm willing to consider anything at this point."

"Ok I'll get you a timetable."

Barbara reviewed her list for any link to the South Coast. It was not the most direct way to Cornwall and he had no obvious link to anywhere there. Then she spotted it – the Shand case when they had stayed in that caravan together. That made perfect sense. It had been somewhere she had once been happy and he was uncomfortable but it had been fun being there together. The more she thought about it the more logical it seemed. It was certainly somewhere only she would think to look. Barbara was almost excited when Winston returned.

"You look much happier," he said.

"I think I know where he is Winston."

"Great, I'll get my coat."

"Sorry. I can't tell you why but this is something I have to do alone."

Winston looked puzzled but then nodded knowingly. "I get it," he said with a big smile, "just say the right things and get him back eh."

"I'll try Winston, I will try."

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As Barbara drove she worried that she might be wrong and losing time. Then she worried about what to say if she did find him. Would he read it as affirmation of her being in love with him and assume she would fall into his arms or would they fight again or….or…or! She was struggling to work out not only what to say but how she felt. She was angry with him but she was also angry with herself. She could have handled last night much better but what would have been the point; they could never be married their worlds were just too different and Barbara had no intention of being his mistress. There was no future in it. _Surely he must see that!_ The main thing now was to find him, alive and then they could sort it out from there.

When Barbara pulled up outside the caravan park she was not sure whether her greatest fear was finding him here, or not finding him. The park had altered little since their last visit despite now being part of a national chain. A few licks of paint here and there but no real changes. She entered the office to find a pleasant middle-aged bald man in a tie and knitted vest behind the counter. She smiled at the image. She introduced herself and flashed her warrant card. This type of man would like that.

"I don't suppose you have had a man check in here this morning? Tall, dark hair, well-spoken, possibly been drinking, may have asked for a specific van."

The man was guarded. "If I did, what has he done? Murder?"

"No; nothing so dramatic Sir. He witnessed a traumatic event this morning and we think he may have come here to hide for a while."

"Oh," the man said obviously disappointed, "he paid cash in advance for four days and said he did not want to be disturbed. Quite rude really. Not the type we normally get at a van park."

Barbara sighed in relief. "Thanks," she said dashing out the door and running hard down the rows of vans to the one they had shared. She could hear the loud snores of a drunken man inside. She took a deep breath and knocked on the door.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's note:** Thanks for your reviews, they have been great. I only hope you like this chapter. I had hoped to finish this in one chapter but it did not work properly. There is one more to come.

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Barbara knocked several times but Tommy, if it was indeed Tommy, did not answer. She called through the glass of the door but the only reply was the faltering snuffles of a sleeping man. She checked the number above the door. Yes D45, it was the van they had shared. Frustrated she was about to go back to the office for the key when almost by chance she tried the handle. The door was not locked. Barbara smiled wryly; he had been waiting for her. She steeled herself, still not sure what she was going to do or say then stepped inside. The caravan was exactly as she remembered it but this time she did not have the same excited rush of childhood nostalgia. It was not the caravan and what it stood for that mattered, it was who was inside.

If she had expected him to wake up and welcome her she was mistaken. Tommy was lying face down on the same settee where he had slept all those months ago. She remembered him then; he had been light-hearted and happy, perhaps the happiest she had ever seen him. He and Helen had rekindled their marriage and Tommy had been confident and at peace with himself. Barbara had been pleased for him, he had deserved contentment. The whole of his adult life had been a succession of traumatic events, some of his own making but most, like Helen's death, out of his control. Something had happened when his father had died that had damaged him forever and Barbara believed that somehow that had framed all his subsequent relationships. He needed something more to find that elusive serenity. Until yesterday she thought she had understood what he needed from her. Had it changed? She admired the way he always managed to find the strength to pull himself up again but as she watched him sleeping he looked so much older and infinitely sadder than he had the last time they were here. _Can you come back this time?_

Lynley was still fully dressed. His coat hung at an odd angle and his shirt tail hung over his jeans. His hair was greasy and dishevelled from running his fingers repeatedly through it. She knew that gesture and could picture him sitting here drinking, ruminating himself into his stupor. He had brought a small carry bag with him that sat neatly in the corner at odds with the chaos of his clothing. Three empty scotch flasks lay discarded on the floor and there were two unopened bottles of a different brand on the table. Barbara presumed he had bought those enroute. Tommy's arm had fallen over the edge of the couch and his hand still clutched a fourth flask, its contents saved from spilling only by his grip. He started to whimper unintelligibly between his snores and Barbara recognised that it would not be long before he woke.

She hated seeing him like this and for the first time truly understood why he had hidden himself away after Helen died. At the time it had hurt her and she had had delusions that she could have helped him; that somehow she could have made it better. Seeing him lying before her she knew he would not have wanted anyone to see him in this state, even her. It was now approaching seven in the evening and if one short day grief and guilt had corroded his spirit and brought him to this point then she feared what he would have been like after days and weeks of losing himself in an endless alcoholic cycle of drinking to unconsciousness and waking, only to drink again as fast as he could to try to block out the world and his pain. He had told her once that he had been standing on the precipice of insanity where no matter how hard he had tried he could not stop his torment until he passed out where he could at least hide until the nightmares took hold and the orbit began again. Watching him sleep fitfully she sensed his nightmares returning and knew nothing she could have done back then would have helped.

Now that she knew he was safe Barbara's first priority was to contact his mother and the Met. She stepped outside the van so Tommy was not disturbed. Her call to Winston had been quick. He had been happy to hear she had found Lynley. Barbara had wanted him to inform Hiller but Winston insisted that it was something she needed to do directly. Barbara told him that neither of them would be back for a few days then checked to see if there was anything else she needed to know before they rang off. "Wimp!" she scolded the phone as a proxy for Winston.

Hiller sounded relieved she had located Lynley. "Can I speak with him and sort out this nonsense please Havers." It was more a demand than a question.

"I'm sorry Sir; Inspector Lynley is not up to taking calls just at the minute. He has some issues to sort through but I will make sure he rings you in a few days."

"A few days? Are you intending to stay with him while he sorts himself out?"

"Yes Sir, if he wants me too. Either way with this flu I won't be back tomorrow." Barbara hoped Hillier would understand her priorities.

"Stay if you feel it will help. Where are you by the way?"

Barbara did not want to lie but she was certainly not going to explain where they were, or why, to Hillier. "Out of London Sir, that's why it took me a while to find him. I will ring you an a few days. Bye for now Sir," Barbara said as she terminated the call. She imagined Hillier huffing and spluttering at the other end.

She hoped the next call was easier. Lady Asherton answered at the first ring. "Barbara, did you find him? Is he safe?" Tommy always dismissed his mother as not really caring about him but she sounded distraught.

"Yes Lady Asherton, I found him. He is a bit under the weather now but I'm sure he will be fine."

"Oh thank goodness. He wanted you to find him, that's a good start. Look after him please Barbara. His strength is his weakness; he is a master of guilt and blame because he has such lofty ideals. If you forgive him for whatever he did that made you push him away then maybe he can begin to forgive himself."

"What makes you think I pushed him away?" Barbara was surprised at his mother's perceptiveness.

"He runs when he is scared but he wants to be found and comforted by the person who let him down. I failed miserably at that once when his father was dying and we have both been paying ever since. I think anyone Tommy loves has been made to pay too. I recognised the culpability in your voice this morning and I knew."

_Am I becoming that transparent?_ Barbara felt exposed yet found herself confessing to his mother, "I lied to him…for his own good."

"Really? Or were you trying to protect yourself? Tell him the truth and work through the consequences with him Barbara." Lady Asherton rang off and for the second time in as many calls to this woman Barbara was left stunned, staring at her phone. _Tommy is much more like his mother than he thinks!_ She had been right though; something had definitely happened all those years ago and somehow that held the key to Tommy's future happiness.

Tommy's restless cries brought her back to reality and she went to him, still apprehensive. She understood his desire to run. Now that she knew where he was and that he was alive she wanted to be anywhere but here where she would have to confront him. At the same time though she wanted nothing more than to be here with him. She was struggling to understand how she felt or what it meant.

She distracted herself with practical tasks. She cleared away the empty flasks then removed the half-drunk flask from his hand. She searched for the lid. Not locating it she simply placed the bottle on the table with the others. He had rolled slightly and she helped him onto his side and placed a cushion under his head to make him more comfortable. She took off his shoes and placed them carefully near his bag. She found a clean handkerchief in his pocket and moistened it under the tap. He grunted as she wiped his hands. He smelled so strongly of whiskey that when she leant close to wash his face and neck she realised his coat and shirt were saturated in it.

Lynley mumbled incoherently as she lifted his legs and placed them on the floor. She pulled him into a sitting position and with effort managed to remove his coat. She placed it on the back of the chair at the table but when she moved away from him he slumped sideways in search of his pillow. She righted him and started to unbutton his shirt. She looked at him and grinned remembering how embarrassed they had both been the last time she saw him without his shirt in this van.

He had resisted with his coat but now she was able to slip of his shirt with relative ease. She had found a thin jumper in his bag and now slipped that over his head and arms to keep him warm. She laid him down again and lifted his legs onto the couch. She fetched a blanket from the bedroom and placed it gently it over him, tucking it around his arms and legs to make him snug. It was weird. She would have done exactly the same thing two days ago if it had been needed but looking after him had a communion that surprised her.

She knelt down and kissed him softly on his forehead. "It's ok Sir, I'm here," she whispered. She sat back on her heels and looked at him sleeping. He was much more peaceful than he had been earlier. She took his hand and held it as she stroked his hair. A sudden surge of love ran through her warming her in a way that overwhelmed her.

Barbara saw light, blinding and clear. _I get it!_ She instantly understood what he meant in his letter when he said that if she was in love with him she would know where to find him. She had assumed he was referring to his physical location but in reality it was just solid detective work overlain by their friendship that had led her here. He had known she would come to him here just as he had known he would be like this when she found him. Even though he was effectively unconscious he was allowing her to look after him. He was standing naked before her, his innermost demons, his fears and insecurities unmasked. He was at his most vulnerable and he was opening himself up to her as he had been unable to do after Helen died. To really find Tommy she had needed to see beyond their friendship. She had needed to feel their intimacy for what it was; his vulnerability was not his weakness it was his gift for her. It had indeed pried through her armour. She sat stunned staring at him.

"Oh Tommy!"


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note: **This was a much harder story to write than I had expected when the first line and a broad idea popped into my head. I hope you found persisting with it was worthwhile. Thanks for your feedback on earlier chapters. Having only started writing again recently, inspired by my new and somewhat bizarre obsession with Tommy and Barbara, I am very happy that most of you like my stories.

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Tommy opened one eye slowly and peeped out from behind his blanket. The light streamed through the windows forming vivid ethereal patterns of shadow and colour on the surfaces of the room. He closed it again, not yet ready to face the day. His mouth was dry and as he ran his tongue around it to create lubrication he was repulsed by the furry feel of his teeth. He moved his head but promptly stilled it hoping that this might also stop the hundreds of men with jackhammers who had apparently taken up residence in his skull while he had been sleeping. He groaned. This was not going to be a good day. He knew that a good glug of whiskey would cure his ills, or at least send them into remission, but the thought of it nauseated him. That was good, it would lessen temptation.

He needed water and the bathroom. He sat up quickly hoping that would be less agony than a slow and deliberate rise. He swung his feet to the ground where they touched something warm and squishy. It yelped, he screamed, and suddenly he was face to face with Barbara. They stared at each other while they recovered from the shock. It was funny but neither of them laughed. His heart raced but he did not know if it was the shock or the surge of pleasure he had felt when he saw her. Tommy looked around and realised he was not at home, he was in a caravan. It all came flooding back and all he could do was to hide his shame behind his hands as he covered his face.

Barbara went to get up but was troubled by cramps in her back. She must have fallen asleep on the floor while she was watching over him. It was obviously morning and the last time she recalled checking the time was about eight the previous night. She had been exhausted by the day before so was not surprised how long she had dozed. She only wished she felt more refreshed. At least Tommy would feel much worse and she hoped he would sleep most of the day.

Neither of them spoke or even acknowledged each other. Tommy went to the bathroom while Barbara was stretching then quickly washed his face. He downed four glasses of water from the kitchenette tap, using the last to swish around his mouth in a vain attempt to take away the foul taste. Barbara had entered the bathroom and Lynley snuck back to the settee and turned to face to the wall. He pulled the blanket over his head and pretended to hibernate. Sleep eluded him but he was not yet ready to face the wrath of Sergeant Havers.

Barbara decided to shower. She had no fresh clothes but that was secondary to at least feeling washed. She was relieved she had not still been holding his hand when he woke. She had no idea what to say to him and hoped the water might also wash away her fears and embarrassment, but if anything it seemed to make it worse. She did not want to talk yet and was grateful he had crawled back into his cave. It would be best if Tommy slept while she drove into town to get some basic supplies.

She tore a page from her notebook and left him a quickly scrawled message so he would know where she was and that she would be back. She was tempted to pour out the whiskey but knew enough about alcoholics to know that if there was nothing here and he really needed a hit he might become frenzied. She seriously doubted he was actually an alcoholic but he certainly drank alcoholically at times. It was his right to choose but she had decided that if he became abusive or unmanageable she would leave.

Tommy heard the door click shut. He counted to two hundred and when he could hear nothing to indicate she was returning he sat up. His head was clearing but he was now very thirsty. He had two more glasses of water then saw the note. Comforted that he had time he showered and pulled on a fresh pair of boxers glad that he had had the presence of mind to pack a bag of essentials. The minty tang of the toothpaste made him gag but he persisted and brushed so furiously he threatened to wear away all the enamel. He was surprised at how this had exhausted him but he could not face the couch's lumps any longer so pulled back the cover of the bed and slipped between the cool clean sheets. He felt closer to Barbara lying there. Sleep came easily.

Barbara returned almost two hours later to find him gone. She panicked momentarily until she saw he had not touched the whiskey and now a second damp towel hung beside hers across the backs of two chairs. Showering was a good sign. She could see his clothes semi-folded beside his bag. She guessed where he was but opened the bedroom door slowly hoping he was asleep. His arms were outside the covers and he seemed content. Barbara wondered however if he was naked; that could be exceedingly awkward.

She showered again and changed into the new underwear and tee shirt that she had bought in town. The same jeans would be fine but she was glad of fresh socks. It was time for a late breakfast and she made herself some toast and jam and a cup of instant coffee. She had bought a cheap novel to amuse her while she waited for Tommy but concentration evaded her. Her thoughts kept going back to him and what had happened last night. Locating him had proved to be the easiest part, knowing what to do with him was much more difficult.

Tommy heard Barbara return but resisted the urge to open his eyes. His head ached as though it had been run over by the very train he had caught yesterday. He knew he was being a coward but he stayed in the protective cocoon of the bed. He had been afraid last night too, not letting on that he knew she was there. He had been intoxicated most assuredly but he was far from the depths of drunkenness that Barbara had assumed. He had heard her knock and had known he was safe; they would either leave here as friends, everything forgiven, or they would leave as lovers. He had not been able to predict which way it would go. As she had fussed around him and cleaned up his mess he had drifted in a dreamlike state halfway between reason and hope. Gradually her touch had changed and he had yielded to it becoming more and more conscious of an unspoken dialogue between them. She woke him almost fully when she had tucked him in like a little child and kissed him but when Barbara held his hand and stroked his hair his intense despondency from the incident at her flat was washed away by a mesmerizing stillness. It had taken all his willpower not to pull her into his arms. When she had cried out his name he had relaxed; they were not going home as friends. It was not yet the time to confront their problems though and being connected to her as she held his hand was enough. He had slept peacefully.

Today they had to talk. It was going to be challenging facing delicate and deeply personal feelings but the longer he waited the more self-conscious and afraid he became. Avoiding Barbara was ridiculous. With a deep breath he stepped into the main room of the van, now regretting that his spare clothes were on the opposite side of the room. He strode with a confidence he did not feel across to his bag. He was facing away from her but could sense her eyes sizing him up, trying to calculate how drunk he was and what he might do. He only wished her scrutiny was about how she would run her hands over him and make love to him. Tommy smiled, pleased that his embarrassment was waning to be replaced by a need to feel her close to him. He pulled on a clean pair of jeans and the jumper she had dressed him in last night. He sat on the settee and for the first time today spoke to her.

"I see you found me," he said softly as he looked at her.

Barbara tensed uncertain what to say. She was bashful about what she had done and said last night when the shroud of night and his unconsciousness had been her allies. Today, in the light, it was a completely different scenario. Barbara wanted to run. She paused and looked directly into his eyes for any signs of anger or regret. Finding none she replied quietly, "Yes, I did."

"I knew you would," he said and smiled so genuinely that Barbara found him irresistible, "Come here and hold me...please." He held his arms open for her.

She hesitated in spite of her feelings, and then moved to stand in front of him. Tommy wrapped his arms around her and nestled his face into her stomach. She smelled wonderful. He had never been close enough to really notice that before. He wanted to stay like this forever.

Barbara's emotions vacillated between joy and terror. She wondered where this would lead. There were still a thousand reasons why this was a terrible idea but she was trying to heed his mother's advice. She would be truthful and they would work it out. Despite her desire for him, long since banished to the back of her thoughts only to be brought out when she was alone and felt forsaken, she doubted they would be lovers. She hoped that they might be able to find a place where they could both be less alone and find a form of equanimity. She slowly relaxed and as his breathing became more even she placed one arm around his shoulders and started to gently stroke his hair with her other hand.

Neither spoke for several minutes both lost in their own longings and fears. He was too tired to talk and he just wanted to drift back to sleep with Barbara in his arms. "We don't have to talk yet," he told her. The stiffness went out of her body and she held him tighter. He gently guided her down so she was sitting next to him then leant in to her and tenderly kissed her cheek. "Thank you for finding me." He lay down pulling her with him. He wriggled further into the back of the settee to give her room then pulled the blanket around them. He folded his arm possessively over her and sighed. "You must be tired too. Get some sleep. We can talk it all through later."

Barbara did not resist. She was thankful for more time and very aware that she was emotionally exhausted. Above all lying snuggled against Tommy gave her a sense of security and ease that filled a void she had not realised existed. It was a troubling yet wondrous discovery.

It was mid-afternoon when they woke. Tommy was hungry and prepared them both some coffee and toast. "Did you buy any honey by any chance?" he asked.

"No sorry; only jam."

They ate in relative silence but the awkwardness had gone. Barbara was surprised at how chipper he was considering the amount of trauma and whiskey. "You recovered quicker than I thought."

"A bit too much practice I think. Water helps to flush out the liver and sleep helps the hangover. Besides a flask is only a pint so has about ten standard shots. Times that by five roughly and by tomorrow morning I should be relatively sober." Barbara looked horrified. "I'm okay though so long as I take it quietly. I used to drink like that for days at a time so one day won't kill me."

"You shouldn't do it to yourself Sir."

"Can't you call me Tommy?"

"No." Tommy shot her a look of annoyance but Barbara ignored him. "It doesn't feel right."

"Well I resigned remember so it sounds idiotic." Tommy was frustrated. While ever she called him 'Sir' she was still dug in behind her barricade.

"Hillier didn't accept it. You're on medical leave."

"You called me Tommy last night," he retorted softly.

Barbara went very still then looked down at her toast, mortified. "You were awake?"

"Only for the good bits. It was nice having you look after me like that." His tone was affectionate and grateful.

"Well someone had to; you certainly don't look after yourself!" she snapped.

"I was surprised how fast you got here though. Tell me how you did it?"

"You're changing the subject."

"Yes because you are getting angry again, but I'd still like to hear your logic."

"Well I want to know why you felt it necessary to test me." Barbara's resentment of his actions was starting to surface. She would prefer not to fight with him but it almost seemed inevitable.

"It wasn't a test," Tommy said, "or at least it didn't start that way."

"No? So why set all the clues? Going back to the house to check to see if I found your note pretty much gave it away."

"When I left your flat all I intended to do was to drown my miseries in whiskey. I couldn't see how I could work with you after what had been said so I wrote to Hillier but then I thought you would come to try to talk me out of it and I couldn't face you. I decided to leave you a note trying to explain and asking you to just leave me alone for a while but as I was writing I kept replaying what you said. I began to see that very first look before your shield came up. I thought I saw a very deep love attached to your sorrow, or I hoped I had. I wanted to give you a choice to find me or not but only if you were prepared to really look for me and see that I am capable of being honest and of loving you."

"So you decided to come here."

"No, not really. I needed more whiskey and the off license only had those silly little flasks so I bought some and caught a cab to the hill. I was waiting for you there but you never came. Then I realised I didn't have my phone in case you called, so I went back to the house. I left an empty next to the seat just in case so you would know I had been there; so that you would know you understood me. The note was gone so I figured you were either following me or ignoring me. It was a spur of the moment decision to come here. I needed to know if you would look and if you loved me enough to know why I was here."

Barbara considered his explanation. "I missed you at the hill because I was so upset from the night before I was late getting in to work. I had left messages on your phone but you never called me back. I figured you came here because it was somewhere no one else would think to look and we had enjoyed being here."

"More or less. The messages were left before I retrieved the phone. If you had rung again I would have answered," Tommy said. He searched around for words to explain it to her. "Here was somewhere that you knew I had found peace. I thought you would understand I wanted to find that again and that I could only do that with you. So I decided to catch the train down here."

"So why continue to drink so heavily?"

Tommy paused to think about how to answer that question adequately. "Partly because I was scared you wouldn't come, partly because I was scared you would and partly because you had to understand my dark side but the main reason was that if we have a future together then I can let it go. If you came I was saying goodbye to it and in a way to all the hurt from the past that it represents and if you didn't I was embracing it and would have probably drunk myself to death soon enough."

Guilt ate into Barbara as she listened to him. She had promised herself she would be honest with him. "I don't want to condemn you to this life," she said pointing at the empty bottles, "but no matter how much I might care for you we don't have a future together. We are too different and too damaged."

"Are we? Are we really so different or are you confusing the material world and your perception of where we fit in it with who we are? Have you stopped to think that we are actually each other's salvation?"

Barbara was staggered by the truth of his words and as she looked at him she thought her heart might actually break. "It's not enough."

"It's everything Barbara! It's the only thing that matters."

Her voice shook as she said, "I saw myself differently after I started working with you. I saw myself as the bitter person I had become. It wasn't everyone else against me, it was me hating everyone. Even when I thought you were insufferable and interfering I was in awe of how much you cared for people, even people like me. I couldn't do that."

"Really? You seemed to care far more than I did about the people. I was caught up in the justice, what was right and wrong. When you lied to Nies, about us, you showed how much you cared and how far you were prepared to go to protect something, or someone you believed in. You hardly knew me but we both knew that in each other we had found something that we lacked. I felt more balanced, more complete with you around. Didn't you?"

"Yes. I hated myself for it, but yes." Barbara was struggling not to cry.

"And that's why I came here because I wanted you to understand." Tommy moved his chair back from the table and sank to his knees in front of Barbara. He needed her to understand what she meant to him. It was complex but she had to know.

She looked at him trying hard to find his point. She struggled to make her own. "When we came here on the Shand case it brought me back to a time I had been happy, a time I before I became like I am, a time when my brother was alive. It completed a circle for me. When you pulled me from the marsh and brushed the mud off my face it had been so natural. I felt loved again."

"You were loved. You still are."

"Yes, but not in the way you want to love me now. That's just not us. We are not supposed to be lovers, what we have is different."

"Do you really believe that? I've seen the way you've looked at me at times. I saw the disappointment in your eyes when I was with Helen or other women."

"That's not fair. I never did anything to undermine you and Helen. I never even criticized her when she left you."

"I know; you behaved much better than I did. I was appallingly rude about you and that stupid dating agency." Tommy was ashamed remembering how petulant he had been.

"I was lonely. I was just trying to find something meaningful."

"And I was jealous. I didn't want you to find someone else. You already had something meaningful with me."

"Yes but I was lonely. I didn't have someone I could go home to, someone to make love to; you had Helen. Seems you had the best of both worlds,"

"I know; I was selfish. When we stayed here I had you both and I was happy."

She was no longer angry. It was hard to resent him when she knew that underneath it all he just wanted to feel loved. _But I can't be what you want me to be!_

"Tell me what happened with your mother."

"Why? What did she say?"

"She read me your message for her. She told me she hurt you and because of that you struggle with love. She said I had to be honest with you and I have been. Now you need to be honest with me."

"Did she indeed." Tommy was not sure he wanted his mother telling everyone about what had happened. He stood and went to the kitchenette for some water. He then sat on the settee aware Barbara was studying him waiting for a reply.

"Helen knew," he started, "she helped me to sort things out with Mother."

"Does your mother know it is sorted?" Barbara demanded, "if I can't help you I had better think about heading back to London."

Tommy saw she was serious and was terrified she would leave. "My father was dying and my mother was conducting an affair with Dr. Trenarrow virtually in the next room. I found them and couldn't understand or forgive her. I believed she had betrayed my father and we barely spoke for seventeen years. I ignored her and as a result I abandoned Peter. He was only seven and needed me and I couldn't see beyond my own needs. When he developed his addiction I blamed my mother, I never thought it was my fault but he did. He blames me and in hindsight he is right."

That explained a lot to Barbara. Many of his attitudes and behaviours suddenly made sense. "I'm sorry Sir. I'm sure she never intended to hurt you. Did she try to explain?"

"Yes but until yesterday morning I never understood. Mother was trying to justify how she could love both my father and Trenarrow. She said that love was like light, it wasn't one entity but many. Father had once been white light to her where all the colours in the spectrum could be split out and recombined. She had been happy but as he became ill some of the colours had faded and he was now only the blues and violets, the cooler, comforting and slower colours. Trenarrow was the more energetic and passionate reds. He filled a need and made her feel whole. By having both of them she still had white light."

"I see." Barbara found the logic interesting but she sympathized with Tommy, it was not something a youth would be able to comprehend.

"Yesterday morning I realised I was just like Mother. I had loved you and Helen without one interfering with the other. Together you made white light for me and probably when we here that was at its purest. Strangely enough I wasn't fighting with either of you!"

She was intrigued and had to ask, "So I am your blues?"

Tommy looked thoughtful. "I've been trying to work that out. I think you are red, the fiery end of the scale. Helen was more like the cooler blues but then sometimes I think it was the opposite way around. In many ways I think Helen was the greens and yellows and you were both blue and red."

Barbara considered the analogy. She went and sat next to Tommy on the couch. "Maybe there is another angle to it."

"Hmm, what's your theory then Professor Havers?" he said teasingly, pleased that she was taking him seriously.

"You give off colour too so maybe when your blue end and my red end meet or vice versa we get white, assuming of course we both bring the nuances of the middle colours. And maybe we get burned by each other because of the unseen infra reds and ultra-violets!"

Tommy laughed at her last observation. "Maybe we do." He could resist her no longer. He put his hand on her face and caressed it lovingly. She did not flinch or pull away so he leant in and kissed her with a tenderness and lovingness and desire that scared him. He felt as if his whole body had been stripped away to just leave his heart beating. If she rejected him now the heart would stop and he would cease to exist.

Barbara's head was screaming at her to pull away but she was powerless. No one had ever kissed her like that before and in those precious few moments she knew he loved her, really loved her. No matter which way the colours combined they both had white light. How liberating that knowledge was for her took her by surprise. She was no longer afraid of the closeness they shared. She adored Tommy and needed him to know how intensely she loved him so enclosed him in her arms and kissed him passionately. She would worry about the future later.

No woman had ever shown him such desire in a kiss. Barbara had lost her inhibitions. This was the unfettered woman he knew lived behind the fortifications. She kissed him hard and each time he deepened their kiss she went further taking them both across the border into a new world of lust and carnal need. From the depths of his despair yesterday he was now orbiting the Sun. She had pushed him back onto the couch and had her hands under his jumper trying to rip it off him. Still kissing her he managed to kneel and then stand. As he kissed her towards the bedroom they discarded most of their clothing. He cursed himself for having drunk as much as he had. His blood pressure was rising and with it his headache had returned but he was determined that in making love to her she would be pampered and worshipped beyond her wildest imaginings. He shut the bedroom door with his foot, secluding them from all the issues of their lives.

Hours later Barbara was in heaven as she lay replete in his arms. She was still worried about the future but was no longer afraid of it. "By the way, I am in love with you Tommy, in case you hadn't noticed."

"I am happy to hear that but I'm not sure I can believe what you say any more my dear Havers. Perhaps you had better show me again." They both laughed as they nuzzled each other's necks before making love again, not for the last time that night.

**Author's endnote: **

My next idea is quite dark and will be difficult to get right. That, combined with a new boss at work, considerable travel and some upcoming surgery may mean I will disappear for a while but I will still enjoy reading your stories.

Take care and thanks for your support.


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